Video Analysis of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson: Robsten Confirmed?

The Backstory

I'm not a celebrity gossip follower, but my friend, Jennifer, is. Knowing that I read the Twilight book series and had seen the movie, she's been trying to suck me into the dark showbiz underbelly of rumors and speculation while making the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart being a couple.

I don't particularly care what the Twilight stars are up to in their personal lives, but because Jen seemed so interested, I've been playing devil's advocate in arguing that they're just friends.  I'll admit, it's been fun to see how exasperated she gets over something so trivial and inconsequential. 

Ever since taking up the opposition, Jen has been sending me "proof" in the form of photos with the two of them looking very couple-like and video clips of interviews to try to convince me.  Despite my reminding her that they're actors who are paid to not only depict characters in films, but to smile pretty for the cameras (and get cozy with each other if that's what the photographer asks them to do), she continued to insist that more was going on than met the eye.

The other day she sent me the below clip of an interview with Entertainment Weekly from this past July's ComicCon 2009, commenting that they seemed pretty nervous and giddy together, very much like a new couple. After viewing it, I had to come clean and tell her I thought she was probably right; that they were most likely a couple at this point, or if not, were well on their way to being one. As much as I wanted to keep up the argument for the sake of driving her nuts, I really couldn't continue it without feeling like it was glaringly obvious I was just being obstinate for the sake of annoying her.

Jen was surprised that I finally conceded the point after months of not giving in and asked what changed my mind. As my husband was working and my son was in bed for the night when her email arrived, I found myself with several hours of empty time stretched out before me (I'm not big on watching TV), so I went ahead and wrote out the below analysis both for her entertainment and for my own distraction.

For the record, while I did enjoy the books and am looking forward to seeing the movies, I'm not what you'd call a "Twihard". I do, however, enjoy the challenge of dissecting books, films, etc. (the entire purpose of this blog) and this seemed like it was right up my alley given the strong sense of deja vu I felt while watching the ComicCon interview... but I'll get to that in a minute.

Shortly after writing up the below analysis and firing it off to Jen, I remembered that I had started this blog several months ago and had since been too busy to revisit it with new posts (new job, death in the family, travel). It seemed the email I'd sent her made a good candidate for the next long overdue entry, so here I am.

The Story

Ever since starring together in the first movie adaptation of Stephanie Meyers's hugely popular Twilight book series, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's on-screen chemistry as conflicted vampire Edward Cullen and lovestruck human Bella Swan has fueled rumors that there may be something beyond friendship going on between the two actors off-screen as well.

In addition to the obvious tendency for the predominantly teenaged fanbase to superimpose the Edward and Bella love story onto the actors who portrayed them, there were also a string of interviews giving clues that at the very least, Pattinson and Stewart shared an affection for each other that could easily set them up for being more than just friends... should that be a road they chose to take. At first speculation that an off-screen romance was brewing was easily dismissed as Kristen Stewart had been dating boyfriend Michael Angarano for several years.

Following Twilight's release and overwhelming success, the media circus that sprang up around Pattinson and Stewart has captured a wealth of photo shoots and interviews, both with the actors individually as well as together. With increasing snippets of evidence pointing to off-screen chemistry being displayed with every new piece of coverage, the rumor mill continued chugging along regardless of Kristen's unavailable status.

Although both Stewart and Pattinson are going to great lengths to keep their personal lives private, the current consensus among fans and tabloids is that Stewart broke up with Michael Angarano at some point in late spring/early summer of 2009 and is now romantically involved with Pattinson. All of this is speculation with no more confirmation than what can be gleaned from gossip peddler reports with anonymous and therefore highly questionable sources.

It was this lack of verifiable information that kept me able to make the argument to Jen that I saw nothing to indicate Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were anything more than very good friends. I was able to easily blow off all the interview clips and googley-eyed photos Jen sent me because at that point, all of it could be dismissed as PR coaching to drum up drama for the soon-to-be-released New Moon (the 2nd installment in the Twilight series due out this November). While it did appear there was something between the two from what I had seen, it had been relatively easy to maintain my position in opposition to hers with very little effort... until I saw that ComicCon video.

Looking Closer

Before I jump in to this, I should explain where my interpretations are coming from: I once had a co-worker/friend who had been in a relationship with another co-worker that had to be kept on the DL due to company policy. Spotting these universal non-verbal cues in the video that follows wasn't difficult -- I've seen them before and, as a friend to the scandalous couple in question, have even exhibited some of them myself.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a relationship expert, behavioral psychologist or any other professional with any kind of authoritative knowledge on non-verbal cues. I suspect if you could get someone like Dr. Paul Ekman (the real-life inspiration for the Fox drama, "Lie to Me") to look at this video, he would be able to give you a much more definitive analysis. In absence of that, I thought I'd take a stab at it with my limited knowledge as an observer of human nature and nothing more.

On we go...



It might be easier to follow along if you open this video in a new window and layer it with this one to make it easier to read and view/pause the video as you go, but that's your call.

I'm starting the analysis at the 3:22 mark, right after the "Bonus Robert Pattinson" flashes on the screen since that's where the bulk of the "evidence" is.

NOTE: The earlier exchange around the 1:44 mark is fairly self-explanatory... Rob was about to talk about being in love. Kristen distracted him with pointing out a video monitor to Ashley and was immediately regretful that she had, going on to vehemently insist that he continue with what he was going to say.

When the image of the cast comes on the screen around the 3:22 mark, you're going to be compelled to look at Robert; it's human nature to pay attention to whomever is speaking (more on that later). For the purposes of this analysis, you'll need to direct your focus to the other cast members for their reactions to what he's saying. 

Look at Taylor when Rob finishes the sentance "when you're in love with someone... or something"; he purses his lips at the 3:27 mark (pursed lips = don't speak/communicate) and Kristen gives Rob quick look of intense interest that's difficult to misinterpret: "You're going to talk about love? This should be interesting...":

Pause at the 3:28 mark and look at Ashley. She looks up and away, which could be either an indicator that she feels as though she's witnessing an intimate exchange she should divert her eyes from (embarrassment), or else she's curious to get a look at the video monitor Kristen pointed out earlier on.  I'm not making a definitive call on this, but it's worth pointing out either way.

Rewind to the start again and now watch Rob. When the video opens he has a relatively serious look on his face, but the second he feels Kristen looking at him his expression completely changes; it explodes into a huge (guilty? nervous?) grin. He lets out a quick burst of nervous laughter and for a moment, stumbles on what he was going to say.

Kristen quickly realizes that her looking at him was what elicited this telling lapse in self-control. In an instant she assesses the situation and sees she has a choice to make: keep looking at him, or look away.

This was truly a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. She chose to look away in an effort to relieve the scrutinizing pressure on Rob, but then going out of her way to not look at him makes it all the more obvious that that's what she's trying to do, which of course raises the question: why?

Watch Ashley's reaction when Kristen looks at her... she plays with her fingers (nervous), she and Kristen make eye contact briefly and then at almost the same instant, both involuntarily purse their lips at the 3:31 mark:

Ashley then does a super fast glance down and then back up at Kristen just before she splays her fingers to show off her ring.

These are all non-verbal cues: there's something having to do with love that can't be talked about (the pursed lips on both of them) and it's got something to do with Rob (who's talking... about love) and Kristen (Ashley's furtive glance at her).

As most girls would, Ashley instinctively understands that Kristen's looking at her is a plea for help to distract her from Rob.  Having been in Ashley's exact position several times before myself, I wasn't at all surprised to see this wordless interchange take place. Ashley obliges in displaying her fingers to show Kristen the ring she's wearing, pretty much the only thing she could do given the setting.

Grateful for a topic of distraction, Kristen siezes upon the opportunity to compliment her on it, not in any way anticipating that this is going to distract Rob just as much as, or perhaps even worse than her looking at him had.

Kristen doesn't realize that no matter what she does, if there's movement or speech involved, it will keep Rob from being able to concentrate on answering the question because he's so focused on her. Frustrating though it may be, it's not something he can control... all couples go through this at the start of a new relationship (see also: hyper-vigilance in the Conclusion section below).

There's a saying: a man often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it... that's what's going on here. Rob had an involuntarily emotional reaction to Kristen turning to look at him while he's talking about being in love. She reacts to his reaction to her, thereby calling attention to the awkwardness of the situation. The more they try to ignore it, the more obvious it becomes that there's a tension there; a reason for them to be uneasy. If nothing were going on with Rob and Kristen, there'd be no need for any of this awkwardness and distraction.

Look at how the other three react when Taylor is giving his answers around the 2:50 mark... they sit quietly, all listening politely to him with no issues whatsoever:

Compare that with Rob talking about being in love:

BIG difference.

Only because there are emotional ties to the topic being discussed do Rob and Kristen feel as though they need to fight against acknowledging it. It's customary and completely normal to look at the person who's speaking, just as all three of them looked on as Taylor gave his answers and just as you would look at Rob when this segment of the video came on because it's his voice you heard.  But Kristen is unable to look at him without making him nervous enough for it to be a distraction. It's a double-edged sword because Rob is also unable to keep from being distracted by whatever she does when she tries to keep herself from looking at him (again, see the Conclusion section below for more on hyper-vigilance).

But wait... there's more!

Right at the 3:37 mark, Rob gets distracted for the 2nd time in this video (3 times in all) and says "Shut up!" Kristen's reaction speaks volumes. She hides her face and then says very quietly, but still audible on the mic: "I'm doing it again". She then proceeds to put her hand over her mouth and keeps it there -- another non-verbal cue that she needs to stop communicating (verbally and non):

Looking at this image, it appears as though both Taylor and Ashley are looking up at the video monitor.  If I had to guess, they're both curious to see Kristen's and Rob's reaction to this obviously difficult situation... it's kind of like driving by a car wreck, everyone rubbernecks at it out of curiosity.

Rewind to 3:40 and watch Ashley. She unconsciously puts her hand up to her mouth (stop communicating) at 3:41, looks down (embarrassment) and then purses her lips (stop talking) at 3:44 as Rob tries to find his way back to what he was saying. She too stifles a giggle at 3:45 and then turns toward Taylor to put her head on his shoulder, hiding her face with her hair. She's obviously embarrassed, again, as though she were witnessing something she shouldn't.

When Rob tries to get back on track, stuttering, stumbling and then admits he can't concentrate anymore, Taylor physically loses it; the tension breaks free in a quick bodily outburst.

Ashley keeps her face hidden by her hair, so I can't say anything about her reaction, but Kristen's is priceless... HUGE grin, obviously genuine and natural. No doubt she's loving that she has this effect on Rob -- what girl doesn't love to see a guy get repeatedly distracted and tongue-tied because of her?

If you freeze the frame at exactly 3:49, this is truly a "picture speaks a thousand words" moment.  Taylor's lost it, Ashley is hiding her face, Kristen's and Rob's smiles... well, you get the idea:

There's a cut at 3:50 and it comes back with Rob talking about how there's a tendency to elevate the other person in a relationship and not feeling good enough. Kristen suddenly cuts him off to point out that neither of them think they're worthy; clarifying that he (Edward or Robert?) isn't the only one doing the elevating. They're both clasping and unclasping their hands in awkward nervousness, almost as though they were talking about real personal feelings rather than those of their characters.

Watch Kristen's face when Rob says Bella can handle everything and Edward is just an idiot -- the look she gives him is unmistakable: brows furrowed together with an incredulous, toothless, tight-lipped smile? I've given my own husband that same exact "wtf are you talking about?" look whenever he says something that makes no sense to me, especially when he's saying something unflattering about himself:

Kristen knows as well as Robert does that Bella is the more level-headed and steady of the ficticious pair; Rob's summation of Bella and Edward's relationship dynamic was fairly accurate here... but Kristen's reaction makes it seem as though she's reading more into that comment than just the characters in the book, and indeed, there may be something more there.

In another interview Rob did with EW, right around the 1:09 mark he talks about being initially intimidated by Kristen and gave a sense of being in awe of her for not feeling as though she always has to speak (this is one of the clips Jen had sent me previously):



He didn't say the exact words, but I don't think anyone could argue with the summation that people who fit the description he gives of Kristen would certainly exude a quiet confidence -- in other words, a sense of "being able to handle things" -- whereas he's always talking for the sake of talking (like an idiot?) and how it's embarrassing. Putting these two interviews together, it certainly would seem that there's more going on than meets the eye in the ComicCon clip. Couple these two videos with this article from The Improper and I think you'd be hard pressed to make an argument that they're not an off-screen couple.

But I digress.

Again, Kristen caught herself staring and looks to Ashley for something to distract her, apparently forgetting how well that worked out last time ;-). She whispers something inaudilble, which distracts Robert to the point where he can't continue what he was going to say... again. It's impossible for him to ignore Kristen, every move she makes catches his attention and makes it impossible for him to concentrate, even mid-answer.

The Conclusion

The hyper-vigilance both Rob and Kristen are displaying in the ComicCon 2009 interview is characteristic of new couples' behavior. Ironically enough, it's exactly what Rob is referring to at the 3:33 mark when he says "...you start to see too much of yourself, you become to aware of yourself". I doubt he even realizes that he's talking about exactly the behavior he and Kristen are engaged in throughout this video. It's this being "too aware of yourself" that's the cause of all the distraction on both of their parts. Not only are newly-in-love people extremely aware of their own actions and reactions when they're around each other (fear of doing/saying something stupid... why he loses track whenever she looks at him), they're also extremely aware of the other person at all times.

Anyone who's felt the intense (and super scary) vulnerableness of handing their heart over to someone else understands what it means to constantly be on guard for signals that doing so may have been a mistake. No one wants to get hurt, so until a new relationship has had time to strengthen, mature and build up enough trust so that we feel confident in letting our guards down without worry, every move the object of our affection makes becomes fodder for intense scrutiny. We become hyper-vigilant not only of ourselves in fear of making a misstep that would send our love running for the hills, but of them because we don't want to miss any red flags that might save us heart break later on down the road -- it's a simple matter of emotional self-preservation.

This hyper-vigilance is exactly what makes this interview snippet so convincing: it's literally impossible for either one to pay no attention to the other. Interview or no interview... the more they try, the more obvious it becomes that that's what they're doing, which again, raises the question: why?

There's only one answer that I can see.

Behavior like this simply can't be coached or learned, it's as instinctual as breathing, which is why I finally gave in to Jen and admitted that she was right. There's no doubt in my mind that Rob and Kristen are a couple (or were getting there back in July); non-couples don't act like this.  That's not to say it's impossible for them to behave this way and not be together, it's possible... but if that's the case, then that's an ungodly amount of repressed sexual tension they're fighting against.

Commentary

It's been said before, but it's worth repeating that Rob and Kristen would probably find the intense media scrutiny would ease up a bit if they just came out and admitted they were dating.  Because the proverbial carrot continues to be dangled in front of the papparazzi, they're going to keep trying to catch it -- which could very well be a PR strategy... one that I hope the couple is aware of if that's the case (see Billy Crystal's character in America's Sweethearts with John Cusack and Catherine Zeta-Jones). 

I think they'd do well to look at how veteran stars have handled their relationships -- hell, Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch! Even for a non-gossip follower like me, that one was hard to miss. If there's speculation about a possible relationship that hasn't been confirmed yet, suddenly it's a challenge to capture the proof. That's why Rob and Kristen are being mobbed by the papparazzi as much as they are; provide the proof/verbally confirm it and the incentive to be harrassed is removed (or at least greatly lessened).

Hopefully there's some truth to one of the rumors Jen told me; that Summit Entertainment has put a gag order on them until the New Moon promo period is over for PR purposes. If that's the case, then at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If not and this is all self-inflicted in an attempt at keeping their personal lives private, then I hope they cross paths with Brangelina at some point and get some pointers on how to cope.

Harold and Maude

The Backstory

When my husband and I first started dating, not a month had passed since our first kiss when he asked me if I had seen the 1971 cult classic movie Harold and Maude. I hadn't, although I remembered passing it over it countless times while perusing titles at my local video store. Truth be told, I don't think I ever so much as picked up the box to read the synopsis on the back... but I remembered seeing it clear as day, probably hundreds of times by then.

My then-brand-new-boyfriend's reaction to the news that I had never seen Harold and Maude was akin to what you might expect to see on the face of a Mormon missionary who'd just been told by the inhabitant of the house whose door he'd knocked on that they do indeed want to learn more about Jesus and Joseph Smith. His usually stormy blue eyes sparkled with a brilliance I'd not seen before as a mischevious smile crept across his face. He took my hand in one of his and grabbed the car keys with the other.

On the way to the video store, he explained that it's not the kind of movie he could tell me anything about; I'd have to see it for myself and form my own opinion on it free from any influence from him -- an impossibility at that point given this giddy level of excitement I was witnessing. There was only one thing he would share with me: a certain scene contained a piece of information so crucial that if missed, the movie's impact is significantly diminished. To that he added that this pivotal scene in Harold and Maude only lasted a few seconds and there were no verbal exchanges during it at all. He confessed that he'd missed it the first couple of times he saw the movie, but when he did finally catch it, he said it completely and totally changed everything he'd thought about the movie up to that point.

I was intrigued to say the least.

The Story

Harold and Maude is a love story first and foremost, but it's so much more than that. What you take away from it is going to be colored by your own experiences, but that's part of the beauty of this movie; both Harold and Maude embody the two extremes that all of us fluctuate between during the course of our own lives. At the one end is depressed, lonely, death-obsessed Harold who floats through life with no purpose but to torture his egocentric monther with increasingly elaborate mock suicides. At the other end we have contagiously vivacious 79 year old Maude who steals cars to get from one place to another, rescues potted trees from city streets for transplantation to the woods and like Harold, happens to frequent funerals as a past time. This odd couple seems an unlikely pair if ever there was one, but as they say, opposites do attract.

The 60 year difference in age between these two main characters isn't only a vehicle for pointing out the importance of following your heart regardless of what anyone else might have to say about it, but it serves the dual purpose of showing how beautiful life can be when viewing it from a perspective of maturity and experience. To say that Maude teaches Harold a few things about living life to its fullest would be an understatement.



The imagery in this theatrical trailer doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the movie's depth, with the possible exception of the clip of Maude jauntily walking away from a funeral with a cheery yellow umbrella. "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out", the Cat Stevens song playing, however, captures the spirit of the film perfectly.

Looking Closer

Like my husband, I don't want to ruin the movie for any of you who may not have seen it yet, so I'm not going to give away that afore-mentioned crucial piece of information here in this post. I will, however, point out that the final scene shown in the trailer where Harold and Maude are sitting together watching a sunset while seagulls swirl in the distance is where that fleeting key piece of information appears. If you have seen the movie and you don't recall anything significant about this scene that goes far beyond the conversation between the two main characters, then I recommend you go back and look closer at that scene.

When I watched it with my husband, he let me know when the scene arrived that I needed to pay close attention. All conversation ceased and we both sat in silence, glued to the television screen. Having had my attention completely and totally devoted to every detail, I saw it immediately and the emotional impact of it hit me like a ton of bricks. Even now, as I write about the memory, my eyes are welling up and a small lump has erupted in my throat... it's that powerful.

In retrospect, I can see now why my husband had been so anxious to introduce me to Harold and Maude. It's the type of movie where you can learn a lot about a person by their reaction to it... no doubt the prospect of discussing the movie after I'd seen it was what had him so excited, much like Cameran Diaz's character was in There's Something About Mary when she declared it "the greatest love story of our time". As my husband and I were still very much just getting to know each other, I'm sure he saw getting my reaction to Harold and Maude as an opportunity to read the Cliff's Notes on who I am at my core.

Would I be freaked out, disgusted, appalled, or otherwise put off by the unconventional pairing of 20-something Harold and 79 year old Maude? Would I think Harold was an immature or weak in some way in his being so desperate for his mother's attention? Would I think Maude was nothing more than a flighty nutcase? Or was I the woman he thought and hoped I was?

After that first viewing of the film -- which we now own -- we had a lengthy discussion on the prototypical representations of societal factions in the film; the priest, military general and psychologist who all weigh in on Harold's decision to propose to Maude. That one conversation spoke volumes on the roles that religion, politics and personal beliefs played in each of our own lives. Obviously we were on the same page across the board or else I very much doubt we would have made it this long (nine years) together... and that's what it's all about, isn't it? I can think of no greater joy than finding that one person on the face of the planet who complements you so completely that you feel like half a person without them. That's essentially the bottom line in Harold and Maude, which I think is best summed up by that sage educator, Dr. Seuss:

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

If you have yet to see Harold and Maude, or if you've seen it, but you don't know what I'm referring to with the seagull/sunset scene, set aside an evening to give this movie your full attention. Take in the song placement and lyrics throughout the film, consider the depth of the things that Maude says to Harold (the daisy scene, for example), really try to wrap your head around how what you've been taught to accept as "normal" or "right" within the contraints of the society you were raised in can sometimes be at odds with what your heart tells you is right for you.

About This Blog

Once I got past all the boring grammar and punctuation lessons in elementary and middle school, I found that I really loved English class.

The idea that the books I had been reading had more meaning to them then what I had initially realized was incredibly intriguing to me. I loved dissecting the different passages, looking at sitations from different perspectives and spotting literary tools like foreshadowing and juxtaposition. The prospect of writing a paper was to me as I'd imagine an upcoming game feels like to an athlete; a challenge, an opportunity to experiement, push limits and even have a little fun along the way.

Suffice it to say that after leaving college, those opportunities have gradually dwindled down to virtually nothing. I still analyze books, movies, song lyrics and situations for deeper meaning and cross-reference them with other relevant information that could enable a better understanding, but now it's all in my head. It's like those classes opened the floodgates; now that I know there's a possibility of there being more than meets the eye, I can't help but look for it.

I miss writing... that's where this blog comes in.

While I have no doubt that I'll eventually wander into deeper, more abstract topics, I'm going to get the proverbial ball rolling by dissecting some of my favorite movies. Harold and Maude and Finding Nemo will be the first two because I feel like I have a fairly firm grasp on both to be confident enough in my ability to speak to the underlying themes throughout them.

I should probably take this opportunity to mention that I do intend to run through quite a few children's movies mainly because I've seen them repeatedly, thanks to my son, and because I want to document the different learning opportunities they offer for using them as educational tools when the right opportunities present themselves (you'll see what I mean when I get around to doing a few of them).

Some of you may have noticed that the title of this blog is also the tagline for American Beauty, the 1999 five time academy award-winning film about a dysfunctional suburban family that seems the very picture of normalcy at face value, but is anything but when you delve just below the surface. If you did notice, then it will come as no surprise to learn that this blog's title is not a mere coincidence, but very much a purposeful decision in reference to that film (phenomenal, if you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it). Suffice it to say that I do intend to take a stab at dissecting American Beauty at some point, but it's not on my immediate list for the time being.

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy reading these posts as much as I will enjoy writing them. Thanks for reading and by all means, please do leave comments, questions and suggestions!

About Me

October, 1978

I'm rummaging through my toy box, pulling out the figures that go along with my Sesame Street playground set. I love pushing Ernie on the swing, but I can't find him anywhere... I may have to settle for Bert. I can hear my mother talking to my uncle, but it's just background noise, drowned out by the sound of plastic, wood and metal bits as they clash against each other within the confines of my toy box.

"Sweetie, can you go get your 'Jack and the Beanstalk' book and read it to Uncle Ray?"

I consider her request; "Jack and the Beanstalk" versus this quest for an Ernie that insists on remaining lost. My arms were getting tired from all that hoisting and shifting and I was starting get frustrated. "Jack and the Beanstalk" wins out. I abandon the toy box and walk over to my bookshelf to pull out the worn, soft-paged book that I had my mother read to me at least once a day every day. I walk over to my Uncle Ray and he hoists me on to his lap. I lean against him, open the book and begin the story.

As I turn each page, I can feel my uncle tensing ever so slightly beneath me. Where I couldn't feel his heartbeat when I started reading, now the rhythmic pattern is tapping itself out on my right shoulder blade. Strange, mommy doesn't do that when I read to her.

I finish the book, hop off his lap and return to the toy box, intent on pulling everything out of it until I find Ernie. As I start removing toys, I can hear my uncle talking to my mother. His voice is louder and more excited than usual.

"Sally... oh my GOD! She can read?! She just turned 3 years old and she can read? I can't believe it. She paused at the commas, stopped at the periods and turned the pages when she was supposed to - this is incredible, Sally, she's a genius!"

I don't know what a genius is, but I guess by the sound of his voice that it's a good thing. I continue pulling toys out of the toy box, but I make a conscious effort to be quieter so I can hear what my mother says in response. She laughs.

"No, Ray... she can't read. She's got it memorized"

November, 1986

I'm staring at the clock on the wall, willing it to move faster. Sister Rosemond is standing next to Paul, two desks over from me. She's giving him reassuring praise as he stumbles and stutters his way through the painfully basic text he's reading aloud from.

I want to throttle him.

Two weeks ago I was sent to see Sister Rosemond, which I was initially happy about. I didn't know what class she taught, I just knew she was the friendly, kind old lady who stood at the door to greet the children as they came in every morning. I liked her, she was so different from all the other nuns who were all pretty mean and scary.

Now that I knew what Sister Rosemond taught and had been placed in her class, I couldn't wait to get out. I didn't belong here. Sister Rosemond, as it turns out, teaches remedial reading.

I had been sent to see her because my 6th grade teacher, Sister Conan (the Barbarian) thought I was trying to get out of reading aloud by making incomprehensible noise in an effort to make it sound as though I were reading, when I really wasn't. She thought that I was so petrified of reading aloud that I would try anything to avoid it. Little did she realize nothing could be further from the truth.

The first time I went to see Sister Rosemond, she stood over me as she was doing with Paul now. As I read, she would interrupt me and ask that I speak up a bit. I did as she asked and continued on. She interrupted me again to ask that I slow down. I did as she asked and continued on to finish the passage. She had me close the book and then asked me a few questions about what I'd just read. Did she think I could read without understanding the words? It seemed really strange, but I answered all of her questions and waited to see what would be next. She thanked me for coming by, sent me back to my class and then called a meeting with my mother.

When my mother returned from meeting with Sister Rosemond, she had a huge smile on her face. I asked her what that was all about and she chuckled a bit before telling me that the only thing that's wrong with my reading was that I was doing it too quickly and too quietly for others to understand. Sister Rosemond told her that for my age, I am actually reading at a speed well beyond my years, even more so than she's able to determine because reading aloud is always slower due to the necessity of having to translate the words on the page to speech. I beamed with pride, knowing that it had to be due to all the reading I'd been doing over the past few years; I digested books like most kids my age did Twinkies. Unfortunately for me, Sister Rosemond recommended that I stay in her class so she can work with me on slowing down and speaking up.

Now the frustration I felt whenever other kids read aloud during my regular class was exponentially increased as I had to sit there and suffer through listening to kids who really did need the extra help from Sister Rosemond.

December, 1993

I hate college. I want out. It's just like high school only worse because everyone's so much older; shouldn't there be more people my age in a freshman English class? I guess that's what happens when you go to a commuter school as devoid of campus life as UMass Boston is. I knew I shouldn't have listened to my mother when she started pushing me into this. UMass Boston was the only school that offered me enough financial aid to make it a possibility, so I caved to her pressure and accepted it despite the fact that I wanted nothing to do with being in school anymore. I graduated last June, that should have been the end of it. I look up at the clock and notice that the class will be ending in a few minutes. I begin packing up my bag, anxious to get out and head home.

As I start to make my way towards the door, the professor motions for me to come over to her. As I do, I can see she has the paper I had turned in a few classes ago in her hand. When I reach her, she tells me that my paper was excellent and wanted to ask if I would mind if she were to copy some portions of it to share with the class (anonymously, of course). She said she just wanted to provide a solid example of what good writing looks like. I agreed and started to consider the possibility of choosing English as my major.

April, 1998

Having been "administratively withdrawn" from UMass Boston following a letter informing me that the school had run out of funding and couldn't offer me the same financial aid I'd been given during my freshman year, I spent a few years working full time, dead-end jobs before arriving at the realization that a college degree actually is a priority for me.

Thanks to an unbelievably generous great aunt who sought to find a way to thank my mother for all she'd been doing to take care of her in her old age, I'm in my 2nd year at UMass Amherst, the flagship campus of the UMass system. Although it's only a 2 hour drive west from my home on Boston's south shore, Amherst is a lush green world away from everything I'd ever known. I'm beginning to enjoy the autonomy of living on my own for the first time and discovering things about myself that I hadn't realized, having previously been nothing more than my mother's daughter.

It's a beautiful spring day and I'm sitting in a writing class that's mandatory for admission into the English major program. I'm smiling to myself because I just received the most flattering compliment of my life thus far.

We had just finished reading "This Boy's Life" and had been assigned the task of writing a memoir of our own. The professor made it clear that it should speak to a core truth about ourselves, something that has been a repeating theme throughout our lives that we find ourselves faced with over and over again. He wanted to see the experiences that shaped us, he wanted to know how we felt about each, how we learned something from them, how we moved on, or if we hadn't yet... how we planned to. It was the most challenging assignment he'd given yet, and I couldn't wait to start it. I knew exactly what to write about: my absent father.

I wrote about how, as a child, I was painfully jealous of all my friends who had two parents.

I wrote about how my mother showered me with gifts on every birthday and Christmas, trying desperately to make them perfect enough to erase the emptiness she knew I felt from not having a father.

I wrote about how my father wanted to meet me when I was 9 and made promises that we were going to start doing things together, just the three of us... that we were going to be a family from now on.

I wrote about spending an hour talking to him, me in the front seat next to him and my mother in the back seat of his parked car at the beach just a few minutes from our house.

I wrote about how after that initial meeting, we never heard from him again.
I wrote about asking my mother to invite him to my 8th grade graduation a few years later, and how he declined because he had a wake to go to, but offered to take us out to dinner on another night.

I wrote about that dinner, and how he spoke to my mother about me as though I wasn't even there and how at the end of the night, he handed me an envelope with $15 in it and said "Here, go buy yourself some hamburgers or something".

I wrote about how I wrote him a letter that I planned to have arrive on Father's Day when I was 21 years old, about how I told him that I just wanted to know who he is; I just wanted to know something about half of my heritage... I told him how proud I was to be half Italian, even though I only knew the Irish side from my mother.

I wrote about how I never got a response from that letter, and about how just a few weeks ago, I found out that he had died of late onset diabetes through an obituary that my mother's boss had run across in the local paper.

I wrote about crying as though he had been a real father to me, about mourning the loss of the chance to know the man half responsible for my existence, my heritage, my identity.

I wrote about realizing that I had spent my entire life chasing after a man that wanted nothing to do with me, and the sudden fear I felt at the prospect that this absence of a relationship with my father could result in a series of dysfunctional romantic relationships with men who might treat me poorly.

I wrote about arriving at the conclusion that my mother had been right, I was better off without him.

When I finished that paper, I felt relieved. I felt as though a burden had been lifted. I felt vindicated. I felt that justice had been done. I felt alive.

I handed it in for my grade, not caring what it was because I was just happy with having produced something that I was truly proud of; something I had poured my heart and soul into.

When the professor passed back the papers, mine was the last one at the bottom of the pile. He handed it to me and as I went to take it from him, he let his hand linger on it just long enough for me to look up at him in curiosity as to why he wasn't letting it go. He looked me dead in the eye, smiled the most genuine, heartfelt smile I had ever seen, and winked. He let go of the paper resumed his post at the lectern.

I flipped through the pages, looking for the comments that typically dot the margins, but found a scant few. I got to the final page and found a large "A" that had been circled several times and a rather large paragraph worth of comments. Among them were reassurances that these experiences, while painful and difficult to work through, had shaped the person I am today and although I may not see it now, the day would come when I wouldn't wish my life any different from how it had been. He continued on to say that I "stand head and shoulders" above the rest of my classmates in my writing abilities and he has no reservations whatsoever in recommending that I be admitted into the English major program at UMass Amherst.

June 2009

It's been six weeks since I was laid off from my decidedly non-writing related job at Microsoft. While enjoying the unexpected vacation and much needed time with my husband and son, I've also been thinking about how long it's been since I've been able to write just because I wanted to.

During college and for a number of years afterwards, I had written live music reviews for online music publications on a fairly regular basis. I even took on a freelance position as Publicist for one of my favorite bands. That was the last time I had been able to really focus on writing for the sheer enjoyment of it.

That was eight years ago...